A while back I asked my husband if he thought the American way of family life–a single nuclear family living in a private home–is the best model available.  He was either being wise or rude; I can’t remember that he engaged the debate.  The question lingered and resurfaced while reading an excellent book, Honeymoon in Tehran by Azadeh Moaveni.  The book itself is a wonderful, surreal portrait of life in modern Iran, but it was the author’s final personal remarks that hinted at this dilemma.  Born and raised in America to Iranian emigrants, she became a journalist covering the Middle East.  She married and lived in Iran but ultimately left with her family when circumstances became untenable.  Here are her concerns about raising her son in Western culture:

There were days when I was grateful for everything that London and life in the West offered—stability, a fast and uncensored Internet, and the luxury of worrying about toxicity in Hourmazd’s toiletries rather than in the propaganda murals on the street.  On other days…I felt unbearably lonely….In Tehran, the constant presence of relatives had meant that I had the pleasure of company, intellectual stimulation, and reassurance that was more steady than any parenting book, as well as time to shower, and even occasional moments of idleness.  I was poised and rested, and I actually found both working and mothering fun.  In London, I became the sort of woman, the sort of mother, who suddenly needed many extraneous and costly things—yoga classes, child-care gadgets, an agency-certified nanny, a housekeeper, bottled baby food—just to get through the week without becoming an exhausted wreck.

 And on a trip back to Iran:

We stayed with Arash’s parents, who were elated to welcome the grandson they had seen everyday for nearly a year and then not at all.  Hourmazd delighted in the company, finding incentive to turn his babble into near words, and was entertained enough to abandon his attention-thirsty naughtiness.  Watching my transformed little son play, I wondered whether this is how it was supposed to be—big families living together, generations under one roof, a whole community of well-intentioned relatives helping raise one another’s children.  I believe that children show you what they need in order to be happy, and if Hourmazd’s behavior was any measure this is what he needed: cousins, aunties, honorary aunties, and grandparents to be in his life every day, not just twice a year for a week.  Maybe I needed it, too.

 There are many accounts of unhappy living arrangements in Iran in this book.  This is mostly a singular, emotional-born reflection, but an important one nonetheless.  I am curious to know what others think on this topic, or if you have given it any thought at all.  I’m sure myriad things play into our personal views: cultural norms, relationships with family, our own personalities and desires, the number and temperament of our children….on and on.  I don’t expect this to be a conundrum with a solution, but I benefit greatly from the insight and discussion of others.  Comments are welcome from singles, childless, and men as well.

What do you think?

1. anne Says:
   November 17th, 2009 at 3:59 pm

   It can be lonely in my busy suburban life. I work, tend to children, etc. I sometimes wish I had a village around. I think there is a lot of strength in having generations together, as well as a group of peers. It is not the typical American way, but I can see good in it.

   On the other hand, it is nice to be able to parent as I see fit. I don’t have people questioning my choices.

2. Rosemary Says:
   December 14th, 2009 at 11:38 pm

   Hmm, I often miss living nearer family since having children. I have not lived near them since we moved far away when my first baby was still a newborn. I have friends who have grandparents nearby to help with babysitting duties and that sort of thing, and sometimes I envy it. Still, I also have a lot of differences with my family (religious, political, ideological, etc.) so usually I am also content to be far from them–families can be a smothering presence. On the other hand, like many of my other Generation X friends, I’ve found that I can make friends who are like family. I’ve lived in my current town over 3 years and when I had my third baby recently my mother came for a little over a week but I also had incredible help from friends and neighbors and our church. Definitely not the same as a tradition of living with extended family, but the closest to that kind of experience I’m going to have in our situation.